


Her

by jaerie



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anxiety, Dysphoria, F/M, Gender Identity, Hormones, Masturbation, Quarantine, References to Knotting, Trans Character, Transitioning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:40:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26432794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaerie/pseuds/jaerie
Summary: The buttery swipe of a high quality lipstick was almost a sexual experience in and of itself.  This time a deep colour with purple undertones which drew out the emphasis of long, dark lashes and perfectly contoured cheekbones.  It was a look for loose and styled curls, feeling the classy formal nightclub vibes reflected back from the mirror.  The silky plum coloured slip dress would be perfect to debut.  The tags still needed to be cut free from the new garment that hung in the closet, but tonight was the night to set it free.When Harry gets home, she can finally be who she wants to be.  Letting someone else in always feels like a distant daydream to her... until it suddently isn't.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 26
Kudos: 192
Collections: Fine Line Fic Fest





	Her

**Author's Note:**

> This whole fic surrounds being closeted in a misogynistic world and is also very heavy with references and blunt conversations about transitioning and the feelings around these individual characters. It is also what could seem like an open ending to some though the scene and interaction between the characters is wrapped up for the purpose of this fic. The way pronouns are used in this fic is deliberate.

The buttery swipe of a high quality lipstick was almost a sexual experience in and of itself. This time a deep colour with purple undertones which drew out the emphasis of long, dark lashes and perfectly contoured cheekbones. It was a look for loose and styled curls, feeling the classy formal nightclub vibes reflected back from the mirror. The silky plum coloured slip dress would be perfect to debut. The tags still needed to be cut free from the new garment that hung in the closet, but tonight was the night to set it free. 

No bra this evening since that defeated the purpose of the loose fitting dress. That was part of the appeal. The cool fabric brushed over puffy nipples that pointed out when the shift was in place. It was a proud feeling to see them seeking attention when let free instead of hidden under layers of coarse fabric as they were during the day. The panties were tight but the support was needed without a dainty dick to free ball in such an outfit. It felt dainty enough right now where it was tucked and held in tight, no unsightly bulging balls to ruin the image. 

One last spin in the mirror and H was ready. She twirled just to feel the air rush up under her dress as it billowed out from her skin and then swayed down the hall where gentle music was already playing through the speakers. Her bottle of wine was already uncorked where it sat on the coffee table with a single wine glass beside it. Purple lipstick stained its rim on the first sip but H was no stranger to scrubbing it off along with the morning dishes. It was worth it. 

She felt so sexy as she swayed around the room in her own world, the comfort and the privacy of her own home made it easy to lose herself to it. The lights from the city far below her high rise apartment gave her the illusion of freedom, the illusion that she didn’t have to hide who she was, that she didn’t have to care who saw her. Up here her curtains were never closed. 

Her couch welcomed her with open arms as she finally settled in the overstuffed cushions. The air was a bit chilly so she cuddled a blanket around herself despite her formal attire and opened her novel to the dog eared page where she’d left off the night before. It was easy enough to feel like she’d called it an early night after catching drinks with some friends at some trendy new bar. Her friends would be great so they wouldn’t mind her slipping out sometimes when the night was still young while she was invested in a particularly interesting storyline. 

When her eyes started to grow droopy, she dragged herself into the bathroom to wipe her from his face and pretend like he could live in that fantasy forever. But night after night, Harry reluctantly puts her away. 

  
  
  


Nine in the morning and Harry is already at his desk clicking through his emails from the last twelve hours. It’s exactly where he thought he would be in his career, except not at the same time. The truth was that he saw himself as a decision maker, but not an executive at the top of an entire company. The work was just Harry’s speed, but the environment was exhausting. 

The alpha male men’s club that the top floor usually turned into was hard for Harry to stomach. Knowing full well that he should be  _ one of the boys _ , as they say, Harry was very aware that he wasn’t. He found it difficult to keep up the act every single day when so many of their comments felt like they were directed at her. The endless knot references and sexist comments made Harry’s jaw clench with every fake smile as he nodded along. Any female gender was inferior in their eyes. In a different world, being forced to endure such behaviour wouldn’t be a job requirement. 

But if Harry wanted to keep his position, it was what he had to live with. So he sent his assistant out for coffee at least several times before afternoon and then a few more times after that. Bless Louis’ heart. The only other alpha in the office who disliked the culture more than even Harry did. His quips back at the other alpha’s were so quick and sarcastic that they rarely ever understood he was insulting them right on the spot. Except Harry. 

The sparkle when Louis caught Harry’s eye was the only indication that he knew Harry wasn’t so dense. Most times it was difficult not to snort out a laugh. It was why he’d kept Louis on after his internship a few summers before. He’d be promoted soon and Harry would be sad to lose him. Harry would hold on to him as long as he could, even though he had outgrown being a mere assistant ages ago. Harry had compensated him with a higher salary, but Harry knew that would only hold out for so long before Louis was antsy for new challenges. 

“Have you seen the memo?” Louis asked as he stuck his head into Harry’s office. Harry shook his head no when Louis didn’t immediately elaborate. “Everyone is working from home indefinitely until they figure out everything with this pandemic.” 

Harry raised his eyebrows in surprise. He never thought that would happen but he can’t say he’s disappointed now that the decision had been made. Not having to deal with the daily comments about making O’s gush or which floor has the hottest secretaries would do wonders for his mental state. 

Plus, he couldn’t help the small bubble of excitement. Home. He’d be working from home. The place he could spend more time as She. Of course there were parts of her that were always with him, but his allotted time of nights and most weekends never seemed like enough. It was only recently that he’d grown bold enough to wear her panties to work beneath his suits. The concept of letting her creep into business hours had his stomach swooping anxiously. 

The first few days of his home office weren’t some of Harry’s bravest. He got up and dressed how he normally would, every hair in place in the slicked back look he usually wore, excess wrapped up into a tight, professional bun. It was the one thing that he could get away with while not losing his strong alpha appearance. Plus, pulling it back drew attention to his sharp jawline that he hoped would override any of her softer features. 

Slowly, day by day, H started to creep into Harry’s daily work routine. She crept out of bed with him each morning and held on tighter every time. First came the panties which weren’t a big deal. Then came the shoes tucked under his desk. Then it was the skirts and then leggings and then her favourite soft pink shorts that weren’t visible beneath his desk during zoom calls. 

Eventually, once his daily schedule was set, she’d take over, only slipping out for a zoom meeting or video chat he was obligated to attend. 

She dressed as if she were in the office, brand new pencil skirts and blazers along with frilly blouses and dark colours of a powerful executive. Maybe the wardrobe was a tad sexist for the workplace, but H had never felt more like herself. 

It was during these months, when H was so isolated, that her thoughts really started to take over. As she stood in front of the mirror in her bedroom completely nude, she started to wonder how she would feel if she altered her body the way she’d always wanted to. There wasn’t much she could do about her broad shoulders and thin hips, but she still thought there was potential for other changes that would just be for her. 

Having access to the executive gym, Harry had been logging many hours focused on his pecs. The result had given her something to work with as she slid her bralette into place and gave her the illusion of an A cup when she looked at her body in profile. But they were still so manly and squared up. There had to be a certain amount of breast tissue that could still be concealed beneath his expensive dress shirts when they all returned to the office.

A bottle of wine in, and H was ordering hormone creams over the internet from some pharmacy website in Vanuatu. It at least seemed legitimate even if she barked out a laugh as she replayed her actions over again in her head. She was definitely going to get her information stolen for sure. The forums she’d scrolled through had recommended the site since gaining access to hormones wasn’t exactly easy, especially when Harry couldn’t risk the secret getting out. Even if he could get a legitimate prescription, there were too many ways that could ruin at least his career if not his entire life. He preferred to keep her secret if it meant he could have her at all. 

She’d all but forgotten about it when it arrived weeks later. The box looked more like a shady eBay purchase, but the boxes and tubes of topical creams inside were sealed and looked trustworthy. 

It was midday, but she didn’t let that stop her from diving right in. The hormonal make up of the sexes were an interesting but complex mix of factors that controlled physical and sexual characteristics. Being born an alpha male, Harry had never been treated as anything but. He was often envious of the children in the gender blending category who were all treated the same prior to puberty when their secondary genders would present. How much easier it would have been to not know the outcome rather than to always be what didn’t quite feel right. Back then he used to wonder what it would be like to start growing breasts as his sister eventually did. It was a thought that stayed with him even when he fully realized he never would. 

When H started to demand his attention, that thought was renewed and remained fresh. When he came to terms with the fact that he couldn’t be she in his current stage in life, it didn’t deter the thoughts. 

Now, standing naked in front of the mirror, she held the tube in her shaking hand. Though it wouldn’t be enough to completely alter her body, the exposure would be enough to at least encourage a transfer of fat to pillow her nipples. It wouldn’t be the first change she’d made to her body, but it was a significant turning point. The things prior to this had been so superficial like laser hair removal. None of those things could be directly related to  _ her _ if he didn’t want them to be. 

This was finally taking a dive of commitment. Her nipples pebbled under the cold sensation of the cream. She circled a thick layer over each with a finger tip and was almost disappointed that there wasn’t an immediate swell. Slow and steady was more realistic, she knew that. Her nipples still tingled with anticipation, though. 

She went back to work in just her bottoms and applied the cream several more times throughout the day. 

Maybe it was wishful thinking to feel the small swell of her breasts forming. Maybe it was something that could be explained away. And yet she still became giddy the first time they felt a bit softer. 

As soon as that started to happen, H set her sights on something a bit more substantial. It wasn’t part of the plan at first. It just sort of happened and there was no turning back. 

One night when she was particularly horny, H had already spent plenty of time appreciating her changing body. She was able to get to the point where she could ignore her more masculine characteristics and focus on the ones she’d worked so hard to make passable. Even if it was just passing for herself, that was almost more important than if she was trying to convince the world. 

The part that was often the hardest to ignore when she touched her body, was also the part that craved attention. Her dick wasn’t the cute and compact package that came as a female alpha. It wasn’t even the small size of a male omega. Harry had been blessed as an alpha with a long thick cock with knot and balls to match. Had he been one of the macho alphas of the office, he probably could impress any of them if he whipped it out. 

Unfortunately, it was something H never wanted. Sometimes she would focus her attention just on the head to pretend that her large hand could enclose the entire thing with her fist. Small and delicate and dainty. Those were the features she wished she had. Female alphas were often tall so that didn’t bother her, but there was something just so soft about the rest of their bodies where male alphas were all hard and angular and large. 

Those thoughts were always at least in the back of her mind as she jerked off and so when her hand collided with the hormone cream on her nightstand instead of her bottle of lube, the strange rush of power that coursed through her was not out of nowhere. She gripped the tube and let her confidence and determination guide what she did next. 

It may have seemed like a rash decision, and yet it was what she’d wanted all along. The cream had a stronger chilling effect on her dick than it even did on her nipples as she directed a long line of it along her length. Where the hormones encouraged her breasts to grow, it was also known to encourage her dick to shrink. 

Using it as lube probably wasn’t directed. None of what she was doing was directed at all. That didn’t stop her from rubbing it in from tip to base and back again. When it made her sensitive skin tacky without a smooth glide, she added more, this time also swiping her hand over her balls. It was a thrill to imagine having the genitalia she always dreamed of having even if it never truly happened. It helped to pretend it would happen. 

Months and months of self isolation blurred the lines of he and she until Harry noticed himself start to slip up. Almost joining zoom meetings without washing his face clean or changing his clothes. Interacting as Harry used to be easy and well practiced. After interacting virtually with the office as H, it was hard to remember that wasn’t how everyone knew him. 

After a particularly close call, H spent the evening getting drunk off cheap sweet red wine and singing along with old country western tunes as she wallowed in her misery. It was a Thursday and it didn’t matter. Time hardly existed as it used to anymore. If she wanted to drink away her worries on a weeknight, it was her duty to do it. 

He quickly took back all her arguments when he woke up with a dry mouth and a throbbing headache. He lifted his phone to see how much longer he had to sleep it off and then panicked when he saw it was well after nine in the morning. 

“Fuck!” he exclaimed just as the phone started to buzz in his hand with his morning video call from Louis. 

“Louis, thank god. I need you to order me in something greasy for breakfast and clear my schedule for the rest of the morning,” he started to rattle off as he rolled over and sat up. 

There was a long enough pause that Harry’s eyes flicked up to focus on the screen and he saw it at the same time that Louis addressed him. It was stilted and awkward and Harry was not at all prepared for this type of confrontation. 

“Um. Sir?” 

His stomach filled with horror and he resisted the urge to slap himself to make sure it wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t his sleep rumpled face that stared back at him, it was her. Her curls were a mess and the eyeliner she’d so carefully applied the day before was smudged in a dark smokey eye she could almost pull off. Her lips were still stained from the rich red lipstick she was currently obsessed with which almost matched the red silk robe she pulled up around her shoulders. 

“I…” Harry started and then forced out a chuckle and spoke in his most manly tone. Just another day in the office. Just joke it off. “I guess you can see that I got a little too drunk last night.” 

Louis paused and Harry hated how he could see the thoughts processing on Louis’ face. It wasn’t going to be that easy to talk his way out of this. Not with Louis. Louis wasn’t like the other alphas in the office and he wasn’t easily fooled. Plus, Harry liked to think that Louis knew him. As much of him as he could know, anyway. No one in the world knew _ her _ and Louis was sharp enough to know that Harry wouldn’t do something like crossdress as a joke. Even if he was drunk. 

Still, Louis kept his thoughts to himself and nodded. “Breakfast coming up. I’ll text you when it’s on its way.” 

Bless him. Harry’s first major slip and Louis had played along so kindly He’d have to send over a muffin basket. 

He had a little time before he had to be human again, so she popped into the shower and spent a long time letting the hot water rain down over her head. The droplets ran down her forehead and caught on her eyelashes, blinking them away as she let it wash away her embarrassment. If she was going to be seen, she was mortified that it had been in such a state. She was normally so put together, her appearance something she took pride in even if no one ever saw her. 

Assuming Louis had cleared the morning’s engagements for him, H took her time. She shaved her legs and used a deep conditioner on her hair before carefully moisturizing every inch of her body once she was dry. Her breakfast order would arrive soon according to Louis’ text, so she just covered herself with her robe and left her wet ringlet curls to dry naturally. 

When the doorbell rang, H took a deep breath in and walked towards the front door. She was becoming more confident answering the door as she was for delivery people. It gave her a thrill to feel the zip of excitement at not only exposing herself at least anonymously to the world, but also to read their subtle reactions to see if she passed. H dreamed of what it would feel like to actually  _ pass _ . 

She let herself pretend that she had been born in a different universe and answered the door with a genuine smile. It dropped off her face the moment her eyes landed in surprise on not the delivery driver, but Louis standing before her in the doorway of her high rise apartment. Even with a dark coloured mask hiding half of his face, Harry recognized the eyes immediately. 

Harry straightened up and self consciously squared his shoulder. “Louis. What are you doing here?” 

“I brought over some breakfast. Can I come in?” Louis motioned past Harry. 

He just nodded and opened the door wider so he could enter. He was still thrown off by the surprise and it was difficult to focus as a surging panic was rising higher with every expansion of his lungs. 

Louis bypassed the turn to the kitchen and headed straight for Harry’s living room. He couldn’t remember if she’d left anything incriminating out where Louis could see it. He wasn’t expecting company today. Her space was lived in and it took some notice to make sure she was tucked safely away. 

“I know how it is to be hung over so I stopped by my favourite diner on the way over,” Louis said as he pulled out to-go containers and set them on the coffee table. “Come eat. Do you mind if I?” Louis gestured to his mask, “I’ve barely left the house.” 

Harry shook his head. He hadn’t left either. Harry moved towards the couch cautiously where Louis had made himself right at home with his own box of food. 

“You can relax a little,” Louis’ bright tone grew soft and serious for a moment, “I’m not going to out you.” 

Harry laughed nervously. “Out me about what?” His voice wavered and didn’t sound convincing at all. This wasn’t a good sign for being able to think on his feet and joke his way out of slip ups in the future. 

“I was born omega male,” Louis said casually as he held up a bite of scrambled egg on his fork poised to eat. “That’s why I won’t.” 

“You what??” 

Harry’s rigid posture wilted against the sofa just a little while his shock overrode his fear. Louis was an alpha. He’d always known him as an alpha. He was hired in the office as an alpha. He  _ smelled _ like an alpha. 

Like time slowing while his mind raced a thousand miles a minute, all of Louis’ little quips and sarcastic comments came flashing past and it all made so much sense now that he knew. 

Louis’ face fell almost imperceptibly. “If I read this situation wrong, please don’t out me to the office. We both know how they are.” 

Harry shook his head. No, he would never do that. Even if she wasn’t around, Harry didn’t think he would ever be the type of person to do that to someone. 

“Sorry. I just would have never known. I can’t tell at all,” Harry gaped. 

“Isn’t that the point?” Louis raised a brow at him and held Harry’s gaze. 

A million things passed between them just that split second. It had never happened to Harry before. He’d never met anyone he trusted enough to confide in let alone someone to validate his thoughts. It felt as if his chest had been cracked open and all of his pent up thoughts and emotions came flooding out. The tremor of panic still lingered when he didn’t immediately gather them all up to hide away once again as he usually would. He rode the high for just a little bit longer. 

“Yeah,” Harry breathed out softly. 

“Can I meet her?” Louis’ low and gentle voice was like something out of a dream. He never imagined she would ever be wanted and it broke through that final barricade holding his resolve. 

“Okay,” Harry whispered and rose from the couch. 

For such a monumental moment, H took her time. It wasn’t that she needed everything to be perfect, she just wanted it to be and used the excuse to give herself extra time to process what was happening. It was nerve racking to stand in front of the mirror, a slight tremor in her hand as she carefully applied her lipstick. This made everything so real. 

The laser hair removal was really doing a good job, but she worried that a few patches weren’t shaved quite close enough, that it could be seen through her thick foundation. It was hard to shake off the details even when this was more of a big picture moment. He was introducing her, not trying to win a beauty competition. 

She stood in the doorway of her closet for much too long, anxious about what she should wear. With the makeup she’d just applied, her first thought was to go for one of the classy dresses that made her feel special. She knew it looked so good on her slightly changing body. 

But no. She wasn’t about to walk the runway. She didn’t want this to seem like he was just into drag or just had a thing for putting on fancy dresses. There would be a time and place, but it wasn’t for her introduction. 

_ Isn’t that the point? _

She swallowed down her nerves as Louis’ voice echoed around her head. That was exactly the point. She would stand out in her own living room in formal attire which was the last thing she wanted. It was her living room on a weekday morning. She went straight to a pair of black leggings and an oversized white fuzzy sweater that fell to mid-thigh. She would wear exactly what she would if Louis wasn’t there. Her comfort clothing if nothing else. 

She left her hair down and loose around her shoulders though she did pin back a few stubborn curls with a copper bobby pin. There wasn’t much else she could do. This was H as herself. 

Louis was distracted with his phone when H made her way back to the living room. 

_ This is normal, _ she reminded herself and crossed the room as she would have as Harry without a second thought. Her heart raced nervously and her sweaty palms gripped the extra sleeve length that gave her sweater paws. 

Louis looked up as she rounded the couch, his eyes twitching up and down in a once over before H anxiously took a seat on the opposite end. 

“Wow Harry,” Louis breathed out but she quickly cut him off with growing confidence. 

“Um. It’s H,” she quietly corrected and blushed at the small grin that bloomed on Louis’ face. 

“You’re beautiful, H.” 

She couldn’t believe how flustered she was getting just from a compliment from a boy. It wasn’t just that. She felt thrown back in time as she felt like a giddy teenager flirting for the first time. In many ways, it was her first time. H had never been out of the apartment, not where people could see her. It really was the first time since there had been no opportunities to flirt as H. It gave her the rush of emotions she never got to experience as a teenage girl. It made her feel  _ normal _ . 

“Is this new?” Louis’ voice was so casual and gentle that H knew she wasn’t obligated to answer if she didn’t want to. The truth was that she did want to talk about it with someone who would actually understand. She really really did. So much that she could burst with it. 

“No, it’s not new,” she admitted and fidgeted with her sleeves in her lap. This was such an innocent conversation yet it all felt so monumental. Her body hummed with anxiety, but she didn’t want to back out. Some things could never just go back to normal after this moment. She knew that. She  _ needed _ someone else to know. 

“It’s been since I can remember,” she shrugged and timidly glanced up to find Louis’ open face. “But this,” she used her hand to gesture to her attire, “Since I left home for school.”

“About that time for me too. But more publicly.”

“Well it’s a bit easier for you to pass like that than like this, isn’t it,” H motioned to herself and looked away as she bit nervously at the side of her finger, her lipstick transferring onto her skin. 

“No, that’s not what I meant. That doesn’t mean you should have too. As an O, I didn’t want to go off to school where a bunch of dirty alphas would drool all over me. You’ve been to the office, you know they are out there,” Louis rolled his eyes, “I didn’t think I could deal with that like I did in high school so I went all in that summer. Took months and months of hormones before my scent started changing enough for people to stop looking at my funny. I still have people give strange looks every now and then because I never did grow much taller or as broad as people are expecting.”

H nodded. She could see that now that she was looking at Louis in a different light. He’d never questioned it himself while in the office, but she knew he must have known on some level for them to get along so well as the two oddballs of the office. Louis’ smell was just as alpha as his own probably was. Or had been. 

H’s heart skipped a beat as she thought of all the subtle changes she had been taking her body through during quarantine. She hadn’t seen anybody for months. She had never once thought about altering his scent until this moment. 

“Is my scent different?” H raced to ask. 

“To be honest it’s a little softer,” Louis cocked his head to the side and gave her a long evaluating look. “Are you starting your transition?”

“What? No! Of course I’m not!” She argued quickly. H could never be full time. Harry couldn’t risk his career like that. Her hand still flew to her jawline as if Louis could see the evidence of the hours of laser hair removal she’d gone through. That was a permanent change to her body, one she didn’t think was a big deal until now. Tons of alphas went through laser hair removal for various reasons she’d told herself when she made the decision to do it. 

“I’m not trying to assume. Just with your change in scent I wondered if you’d started hormones.” Louis’ voice was so calm and steady, not at all judgemental. 

“No, nothing like that,” H shook her head quickly and then paused, “Actually, kind of.”

It all made H’s thoughts whirl. She  _ had _ started to transition. She just hadn’t admitted it to herself yet. Everything still felt so small, so insignificant. It was just a little bit of cream here and then there, nothing that felt as permanent as  _ transition _ . Nothing that felt as monumental as taking  _ hormones _ . Looking back, all those little things now painted a different picture of what she had been doing with the last months. Everything now came into sharp focus as his colleague subtly sniffed the air and he couldn’t deny what had come to be. His scent was becoming  _ her _ .

It wasn’t that H was upset with the realization, it was just shock and surprise that she hadn’t been prepared to process. If his scent had changed, everyone would know. If everyone knew, his career would be destroyed. Her thoughts were at war with conflicting emotions.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Louis suggested. Everything about him was gentle as he always was in some way or another. It was comforting that Louis wasn’t treating her any different than he normally would. It was much less dramatic than she had always pictured moments like this being. 

H always thought her first outting or introduction would be more like some daytime talk show shock piece. There was never a scenario so calm in her what-if thoughts. She never dreamed it would happen so calmly on her couch in her favourite comfy sweater. Even though she hadn’t imagined it, she was very glad it was happening in her own space. It lessened the blow of the realizations she was coming to as she teetered on the edge of crisis. 

“No, it’s fine. This is just… new,” H responded softly while gesturing at herself. “In front of anyone that would notice things like that at least. I didn’t realize other people could tell.”

“We’ve known each other for a while. You don’t have to be anything different around me, you know that, right?” Louis made it sound so easy, like it was possible to ignore the brand new woman she was before him. “What I mean is that you don’t have to worry about how to act. We’re not strangers. You’re still you either way.” 

H relaxed just a little bit hearing that. It didn’t make her any less aware that she was truly being seen for the first time, but she relaxed where she sat, not worried about her posture being too feminine or maybe not feminine enough. Louis was right. They weren’t strangers. H and Harry were the same person, they always have been, always would be. Her ways of compartmentalizing sometimes made her forget. Louis already knew her, just not how she looked. That was the only thing that was new. It was just like a new haircut to show off. It was just her appearance that had changed. 

“Thank you for being so… cool about this…” H struggled to find the words to express what she was going through. She knew she would look back on this experience through rose coloured glasses if she just remembered how Louis had made her feel with his calm, compassionate voice. 

“Don’t thank me for being a decent person,” Louis said sincerely. “I know what it’s like. I’ve lived through it. My experience was far from the worst, it actually wasn’t all that bad at all. But I’ll always remember the times people made me feel like an outcast or like there was something wrong with me. I could never do that to anyone else. And I know how lonely and isolating it all can be. I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone.” 

“I’ve always been alone. The only people who have seen me are a few food delivery guys who don’t know the difference.” 

“Your family?” 

H shook her head quickly. “Definitely not.”

“Significant other?”

Another shake of her head. It was starting to make her feel uncomfortable with reminders of all the things she hadn’t had. While not distressing, she knew this was going to become a torturous game of questions so long as Louis didn’t know. 

“You’re the first person to know,” she said after a full breath of courage. “No one else. Ever. She stays home while I go to work or out doing whatever pretending I have to do. I’ve always been able to keep it secret even though this is how I live when I get home. I’ve been H full time at home for a few years now.” 

“And no one knows?” Louis’ asked in surprise. H shook her head. “I can introduce you to some people. If you feel comfortable. It’s never been a formal support group, but I’ve met quite a few people since moving here who understand. People who get it.” 

“Maybe not yet,” H said nervously. She’d only just made her debut to Louis and wasn’t even settled yet with only one person knowing. 

“When you’re ready. No rush,” Louis responded quickly but in the same gentle way. 

H swallowed hard. She fantasized about taking H out into social situations nearly every day, running scenarios over in her head as she did simple things and imagined doing them while being seen as she was. The reality of doing those things was something she needed to work herself into and make sure it was safe. 

“It was really helpful for me to know I wasn’t alone in how I felt and what I was going through, especially that first year I started hormones. It’s not an easy or comfortable process and I might have given up a few times if I didn’t have people to tell me what was normal and what to expect. Just something to think about.” 

“What do you mean?” H asked and shifted uncomfortably as she thought of all the things she’d noticed since she started using the hormone cream. Compiling all of the little things together now, she couldn’t believe she had been in denial over starting her actual transition. 

“Have you ever had growing pains in your dick?” Louis raised a brow as H shook her head. “It is extremely painful at times and so bad that I almost said fuck it, not worth it.” 

“Why in your dick?” 

“Growing a knot where there wasn’t meant to be one.” 

“Oh.” H slid her hands up to massage her breasts without thinking about it. She’d been having the same issue with small zips of pain lighting up a nerve every now and then as her chest expanded. 

“See what I mean?” 

Louis had looked down to H’s hands. It startled her enough to realize what she’d been doing. She dropped her hands and blushed. Feeling herself up in front of a coworker wasn’t something she’d meant to do. Then again, Louis wasn’t just a coworker anymore, was he? Something deeper had shifted into place and bonded them together with their shared secrets. 

“I ordered this hormone cream I’ve been using,” H admitted, “Just for, you know,” she gestured to her chest, “to see what would happen.” 

“And it’s working?” Louis asked. 

“Yeah, working more than I even realized until you just pointed it out. It’s been so gradual for me.” H couldn’t help it. She brought her hands up to again cup her budding breasts. 

“As long as you’re happy with it,” Louis nodded. “You look really great.” 

“I think I can still hide it when we go back to the office,” she looked down at her chest and imagined smashing them down beneath a suit jacket. 

“Yeah, I think you’d be fine,” Louis nodded, “But I’d lay off a little when you go back because your scent will give you away. 

“Right,” H nodded and began nervously biting at the side of her finger. Laying off the hormones. That might be difficult to stop now that she’d started and knew how they were working. She was addicted to the changes in her body that felt like such a part of her now. She’d started her transition without thinking of it that way and now that she realized it, she was too attached to the body that was starting to fill out tops and fit easier into bottoms. Maybe she could just work from home forever and keep everything as it was. 

“You don’t have to worry about that right now. You might as well enjoy something in the middle of all this.”

“Yeah.” H grew quiet and let her eyes stare unfocused at the back of the couch for a moment. “This doesn’t make you think less of me as your boss, does it?” 

“No, why would it? Does it make you think less of me as your employee?” 

“A lot of your reactions and interactions between us make more sense now, but no, not less at all. More, maybe, since I would never have known. Proves gender doesn’t matter as much as people want to think it does.” 

“You’re right. So you shouldn’t have to hide for your job to do it well.” 

“You’ve been to the office. You know I can’t do that.” 

“There are other offices,” Louis shrugged, “You can do whatever makes you comfortable. You could never come out if you don’t want to. I just want you to know you don’t have to stay miserable to keep up appearances at a job. You’re good at what you do. You could work anywhere.” 

“You work there too,” H reminded him with a frown. 

“Yeah because you gave me a job and I stayed because I like working for you. I’ve never seen myself there permanently, but I’m fine with it for now. If you left or if something more than overhearing inappropriate banter happened, I wouldn’t stay. I’ve honestly wondered why you have put up with it so long.”

“You did?” H asked, surprised. 

“Honestly I thought you were at least alphasexual. You always set yourself apart from all of that and looked uncomfortable when that stuff happened so I knew it was something. And I’ve been your assistant for a long time now and you’ve never had a significant other that I’ve known about. So I assumed if you did, you had to keep it a secret or you were too anxious over being caught to date anyone.”

It was surprisingly spot on and H wondered if she had been that obvious all along to everyone. Louis must have seen her tense up. 

“I don’t think anyone else has picked up on it. Just takes one to know one, you know?” 

“So is that what you are? Alphasexual?” 

Her face felt hot and she bit her lip as she regretted the phrasing of her question but it was already out there. She wasn’t sure how she would feel after either answer. Sexuality for H was so much different than gender. It was confusing for her to think about it too deeply when she spent so much time back and forth with Harry for appearances. Harry had been with enough omegas for her to know that she liked it. H had never been with anyone so it was hard to know if she was alphasexual or if she even truly felt like an alpha at all. On most days she would lean towards identifying as female alpha, but she also had days when she dipped further into the omega side of the female gender. Her fluidity was the same way when she thought about being with someone. It was a never ending fluctuation on what she found attractive and what role she felt more confident in on a daily basis. 

Lately she’d been feeling empowered by thinking of herself as a female alpha, especially with the sexual fantasies she’d been getting off too recently. 

She felt way too old to still be figuring herself out the way that she finally was but it was also exciting. 

“Depends on the day,” Louis smirked in response and it made H’s heart flutter. Were they  _ flirting _ ?

H loved the rush of being on the receiving end of such attention. Harry had initiated every other encounter as he had to as an alpha male and it was exhilarating to play a more passive role. It should have felt wildly inappropriate for her to flirt with his subordinate, but H chose not to care. Finally being seen was such a surge of adrenaline and she wanted to ride it out as long as she could.

“Yeah, me too,” she blushed, “Almost everything depends on the day.” 

“Can I be honest with you?” Louis asked and H nodded. Being honest was the only thing they were doing. “I was already hoping that you were so I could ask you out after all of this.”

Her eyes grew wide in surprise. “You were going to ask Harry out?”

“No, I was going to ask  _ you _ out. After I gathered the courage and started a new job so it didn’t put you in a weird position.” 

H was shocked. In another setting, maybe she wouldn’t have reacted as she was now. In that moment, she had too many other things that she was processing at the same time. It was like being whipped around and she knew she would be emotionally drained once she was on her own. 

“So can I ask you out?” Louis continued when H didn’t have a response. 

“Um. Maybe not yet… but soon?” 

There were a lot of things H needed to figure out before she could even attempt to date anyone. She also needed to decide if dating Louis was something she wanted to do. 

“I don’t date much,” Louis ducked his head and even looked shy. “Because it usually feels more monumental that it should be. I get in my head about it. So take all the time you need. I can handle a maybe.” 

Louis grinned as he finally looked up again and H matched it immediately. It was infectious. 

“But either way, you don’t have to hide around me, okay?” 

There was that rush again, the validation she always convinced herself she didn’t need. It was also so much more. It was permission to be herself. It was the comfort of acceptance. It was the potential start to a relationship if she chose to pursue it. 

“I won’t,” she agreed and she knew that she never would. 


End file.
